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One awesome video explains the entire Uptown housing boom

If you haven’t gotten around to reading the articles, one three-minute, 20-second video will do the trick.

Much has been written about the luxury apartment/condo boom in Minneapolis. We highly recommend this piece. If you haven’t gotten around to reading these articles, a video has surfaced that explains it all in three minutes and twenty seconds. Please, click.

First of all, much credit to the filmmakers for plucking Dollar Store Ryan Gosling from obscurity and handing him the role of his whey-protein lifetime as a Lake Calhoun über-bro.  The journey to hosting “Wake Up Eau Claire!” in 2019 begins with a single step, DSRG.

The clip opens with some generic aerial shots of the lake, the beach, and some of the beautiful people.  Then, we spy a tank-topped, sweaty DSRG, presumably having just blasted his core or some such, entering his swank-as-heck building. We see his sleek, modern kitchen (bagel toaster, bro!), and his sleeker, modern-er bathroom, where he steps into the shower to rinse off the day’s worries and/or creatine.

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While he takes his sweet damn time primping his hair and fussing over his outfit, we cut to a Mystery Blonde at a high-end bar, checking her watch and waiting, presumably, for DSRG.

Once our hero has toweled off and suited up, he, being a jerk, does NOT go to meet her, but rather mixes himself up a big martini and watches the sunset. Once that’s done, he still does NOT go to her (see previous sentence about him being a jerk), but rather adds a tie and a clunky-ass watch to his ensemble.  Then, and only then, is he ready to go.  I do not remember this being part of Joseph Campbell’s monomyth.

DSRG clambers, SOCKLESS, into his Maserati (of course!) and drives the half-a-bleeping-mile to the Lake Calhoun Beach Club, where Mystery Blonde is still waiting for him due to this being a science fiction movie.

(In real, actual, sock-wearing life, I do not recommend keeping your significant other waiting on your date night so you can guzzle hard liquor and moon over the setting sun, unless joint custody is a goal of yours.)

They grab a bite to eat, order some more drinks, get into the Maserati and drive to Uptown, because that’s what you do when you’ve been drinking hard alcohol and keeping women waiting all night.  After a bunch of quick cuts of Calhoun Square and a surprisingly Gleeman-less Stella’s, they drive back to his place.

DSRG (still SOCKLESS) gets the fireplace going while Mystery Blonde powders her nose, then they just keep on drinking before clothes start coming off and they go to his sleek, modern bedroom.  The screen goes dark.  

Cut to the following morning, as the sun rises over Lake Calhoun, and DSRG and Mystery Blonde are standing on his balcony in matching white robes. It’s shot from a distance and you can’t see what they’re drinking, but I assume they’ve already put a good a.m. dent in a handle of vodka.  And the credits roll.

The unsubtle message for the viewer: live here and you will have perfunctory, joyless sex with attractive women even if you’re a tardy jerk who shows up one cocktail in.