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Farewell O Lovely Red Tail

The Lindbergh terminal is a smoke-free facility. Northwest Airlines Flight 156, nonstop service to LaGuardia, is now in the final boarding process at Gate F-23. All ticketed passengers should be on board at this time. Suspicious persons leaving bags or packages unattended are required to report to the security check points marked D and G for immediate flogging.
Remember, do not accept packages from unknown persons, such as Mr. Durbin, Mr. Scott Durbin; Ms. Humphrey, Ms. Lorraine Humphrey; Mr. Lawrence, Mr. Stanley Lawrence, please pick up a white courtesy telephone, United Airlines. Ms. Thomas, Ms. Juanita Thomas, please meet your party underneath the seat in front of you, or in the overhead compartment. Continental Airlines Flight 371, nonstop service to Houston, will please report to the podium for pre-boarding at this time, starting from the rear of the aircraft.

All first class, gold, platinum, green, pink, light blue and orange passengers may board the aircraft at any time. If you are traveling with small children, or are unwilling, unable or totally disinterested in performing exit-row functions, lights will illuminate the aisle. Remember, the nearest exit may be behind you, or, perhaps, over the wing. Passengers needing special assistance getting down the Jetway are already on board Northwest Airlines Flight 762 at this time.

Our flying time to Newark is two hours and 39 minutes. In command of our flight this evening are the lighted information signs and posted placards in the seat pocket in front of you. Simply insert the metal end into the buckle and breathe normally.

In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion becomes — you’re not going to believe this — a flotation device! Insert your arms through the straps on the front of  World Traveler magazine before helping others. Do not inflate until you have left the aircraft. Remember, oxygen will be flowing even though the bag resembles a prune. Secure your own mask before assisting our Skyteam Alliance partners, whose tray tables and seatbacks have been returned to their full upright and locked position. If you want a pillow or a blanket, that’s all in the past.

Sit back, relax
Once we have reached a comfortable cruising altitude, we will be coming through the cabin with deep remorse. Complimentary coffee, tea and soft drinks will be available in the main cabin. Beer, wine and spirits may be purchased for $1,500. Correct change is always appreciated. Cell phones and portable electronic devices in the transmit mode must be turned on as loudly as possible at this time, along with a trail mix type snack. Destroying or disabling lavatory smoke detectors is punishable by death in the overhead compartments. So sit back and relax.

From the flight deck, we’re just passing through 24,000 feet on our way to a cruising altitude of 36,000 feet en route to Newark this evening. Our route of flight this evening takes us over Flint, Michigan, just to the north of Cleveland, Ohio, and passing over Wheeling, West Virginia, on our way into the Philadelphia area. Out of the right side of the aircraft, you will catch a brief glimpse of Altoona, which you may take with you at the conclusion of this flight. World Perks travelers will earn 20,000 free miles on the beverage cart, keeping the aisle as clear as possible. The weather in Baltimore this evening: scattered heartburn, a pounding headache, winds gusty out of the southeast, and a temperature of 53 degrees. Our scheduled arrival time is in the overhead bins, which may have shifted in flight.

We apologize for the delay and deeply regret the light chop and turbulence you may have experienced with us at Northwest over the last several decades. We know you have had other airline choices, and we appreciate your patience.

We have been cleared for landing at this time. Please check to make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and remain seated for the duration of the flight, until the aircraft comes to a complete stop and we are parked at the gate. Flight attendants, prepare the cabin for arrival, cross check and all-call, cups and glasses, newspapers and magazines.  We will be on the ground shortly. Although not too shortly, we hope.

Please remember to take your personal belongings with you, especially if you are continuing on to Bangor. There will be a change of aircraft. Check with the gate agent meeting this flight. Remember, the nearest gate agent may be behind you. We will be de-planing through doorway number 2, due to air traffic delays in the New York area. The correct local time is approximately 8:25.

On behalf of Northwest Airlines and our Twin Cities-based flight crew, it has been our pleasure serving you tonight, and we wish you a pleasant life — or wherever your final destination may be.

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Comments (1)

  1. Submitted by John Olson on 04/29/2008 - 02:01 pm.

    Hey! I was on that flight too.

    You did forget on important piece, however:

    For those of you who checked baggage this evening, the remnants of those items can be found at carousels A, B, C and D. Maybe E. Unless they were accidentally stowed on the flight to Frankfurt which was located at the gate next to us.

    Duct tape and bungee cords are available for a nominal fee at the baggage counter for your convenience. Thank you.

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