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Make the Trump Organization great again: ‘No PC — Build the T’

REUTERS/Jim Young
When you ascend to the presidency, you will need someone to run your Organization.

Community Voices received special permission to publish the below letter addressed to Donald J. Trump.

July 24, 2016

Highly Confidential

Donald J. Trump, Chairman
The Trump Organization                                            
Trump Tower
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York 10022

Re: Make the Trump Organization Great Again

Dear Donald:

I am writing to recommend that upon your election, I become Chairman of the Trump Organization (“Organization”).  

                        The Need for Change in the Trump Organization

Robert Moilanen

Your Organization is being disparaged in the press, losing business, is peppered with lawsuits, faces frequent IRS audits and enjoys a history of seeking bankruptcy protection. I have heard that some people think your Organization is a racketeering-based crime scene. This is a disaster. It is time to “Make the Trump Organization Great Again.”

When you ascend to the presidency, you will need someone to run your Organization — someone with the vision, acumen, experience and the same straight talk that you exhibit every day on the campaign trail.

I am a Minnesota lawyer who has worked in the public sector and in the private sector. Believe me — Swedes, Norwegians and Finns all love me. I seek a complete professional change. I am committed to bringing to your troubled Organization an “outsider” skill set and mentality like that which you will bring to the presidency.

                           I Am Ready to Lead the Trump Organization

In seeking the presidency, you are showing the country that experience and knowledge are impediments to creative thinking. Look at your recent statements applauding Vladimir Putin, ending our NATO commitments and suggesting an expansion of the number of countries possessing nuclear weapons. People bogged down by expertise, a sense of history or positions of responsibility are simply unable to entertain such “out of the box” approaches.  

You will be encouraged to know that I will bring to your Organization a background in construction, manufacturing and sales that is practically nonexistent. Many feel that a pair of pliers in my hand is an instrument of death. I rarely go to Home Depot for fear of getting lost in the cavernous aisles. 

My last adventure in the “building” arena was the purchase of an “assembly required” bookshelf from IKEA. The assembly effort failed miserably. However, in synchrony with your “blame others” approach — and despite the fact that I cannot tell a nut from a bolt — I threatened to sue IKEA for failing to provide sufficiently dumbed down assembly instructions. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Like you, I have the temperament of Old Yeller just before the shot.

             Thinking Big — Moving the Trump Organization Forward

Donald, my interest in saving your Organization is not solely fueled by your bold example of wanting to do something for which you have absolutely no experience. I was also inspired by the quote attributed to you by Ivanka when she introduced you at the RNC convention — “Ivanka, if you are going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big.”

I have been “thinking big” about your Organization. Beyond planning to sell the golf courses to pay for the expected judgment from the pending Trump University lawsuit, here is just one of my really “big” thoughts.

The Minneapolis skyline is engaged in a makeover as a result of the construction of a new football stadium. I will continue that makeover by building a huge 70-story building in the shape of a giant T. Donald, just visualize the “T” dominating the Twin City skyline and casting a long shadow over downtown Minneapolis in the early morning and over St. Paul at sunset. 

When I first unveiled this bold vision to all 14 of your Minnesota supporters, an enthusiastic chant went up — “Build The ‘T’! Build The ‘T’!” When I proposed that the Swedish government pay for the “T,” another chant went up — “Make Them Pay! Make Them Pay!”  

I will carry on your no-nonsense, no-PC approach. For example, I will ban access to the “T” by persons from countries — like France and England — where terrorists may lurk; only men will be able to access the top floors; and, of course, we will save construction costs by not making the building handicap accessible. Trump University can use the “T” as its virtual home since it does not need a physical plant. As you read this letter, I am sure you are now beginning to chant “No PC — Build The “T”!

There are experts who say that the “T” is an engineering, architectural and regulatory impossibility. Others suggest it will be an aesthetic nightmare. However, every day you prove that facts and naysaying “experts” are mere speed bumps to be overcome by driving faster. Look at your policy proposals to spend more money on infrastructure, the military and veterans while simultaneously cutting taxes, slowing growth through protectionist trade policies and promising to reduce the deficit. This is exactly the type of big thinking not handcuffed by reality that I intend to bring to your Organization.

Donald, the “T” will not only be built, it will be built so well that it will not, as some predict, fall into the Mississippi — at least not in the immediately foreseeable future.

                  Necessary Governance Changes at the Trump Organization

Donald, the current plan to allow your children (Donald Jr., Eric and Ivanka) to assume management of the Organization is simply goofy. Handing the keys to the kids does not represent meaningful change. Giving the inside track to family members over real outsiders would show that you are running a “rigged” system. Whoever came up with that “plan” is a low-energy loser.

Donald, as you know so well, “desperate times require desperate measures.” There is no doubt these are desperate times for your Organization. Your family members are simply feasting off the family name. I hear that hundreds of your employees consider the kids and Melania “dead weight.” As their father/husband, you can not fix this situation. Too messy. However, I will be your voice. Donald, I alone can fix this.

While you are busy repealing the Affordable Care Act, I promise to fire Eric and Donald Jr. on my very first day. While Ivanka is clearly talented, she is a complete mismatch for the Organization. Too classy in certain respects and too liberal in other respects. Ivanka will also have to go. The kids may protest, but as you say to protesters at your rallies, “Get ’em out of here.”

Despite her first lady responsibilities, I must keep Melania engaged in the business. I need her to oversee protection of our intellectual property. 

Beyond those changes, I do not intend to alter the corporate culture. In preparation for my start, I have subscribed to the National Enquirer, been practicing the use of barnyard epithets, eating taco bowls to familiarize myself with diversity issues, reading about what really happened in Roswell and tweeting slurs like there is no tomorrow.

Donald, are you ready to “Make the Trump Organization Great Again?!!!”  

Believe Me,

Robert Moilanen

P.S. Donald, will you require submission of my tax returns before I start? Also, when I start, I will need the white backlighting equipment which you used at the RNC Convention. Thanks in advance for making that happen.

Robert Moilanen is a Minneapolis attorney who has worked in both the private and public sector. His public sector experience includes serving on the staff of Sen. Hubert Humphrey, Vice President Walter Mondale and Attorney General Warren Spannaus.

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Comments (5)

  1. Submitted by Jim Million on 08/04/2016 - 10:44 am.

    Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum

    Allow me to say “This is fun!” So nice to know the art of harmless sarcasm survives to be published.

    Best allusion: the IKEA bookshelf.
    Credibility gap: that you “cannot tell a nut from a bolt.” (puts your subject expertise in doubt)

    One small caution: Avoid travel in Slovenia. Melania may still have cousins and uncles there.

  2. Submitted by Connie Sullivan on 08/04/2016 - 12:51 pm.

    Too subtle for Trump, probably

    Great and punchy satirical essay! I doubt that the fine points here are accessible to Donald Trump, who simply has no subtlety or the linguistic skills to get this. After all, this is written in full sentences of more than four words!

    Thanks for writing it (and the “best” parts are not about the author’s carpentry with IKEA items. They’re in the whole concept of a failing Trump universe that this lawyer offers to “Make Great Again!” without any qualifications for that job. At all.)

    • Submitted by Bob Moilanen on 08/08/2016 - 07:58 am.

      Thank you for comments.

      Thank you for the comments. I am delighted you enjoyed the article. At a time when reasonable Republicans are depressed and Democrats fearful, a jolt of humor seemed in order. You might enjoy another Community Voices submission I made on 11/24/15 regarding my trip to the Eisenhower Presidential Library. Thank you again. Bob

  3. Submitted by Jim Botko on 08/04/2016 - 01:15 pm.

    Great perspective, Garrison Keillor-esque.

    definitely puts into a fun, fresh perspective how unqualified Trump is. It’s so clear to anyone who can think for themselves that The Donald should not be anywhere near the oval office. I doubt it, but I hope this a few Trump supporters see the truth in their candidate’s lack of experience for this job.

  4. Submitted by Jim Million on 08/04/2016 - 01:26 pm.

    Clarification in the Author’s Mood

    IKEA bookshelf: the Trump Campaign organization.
    Nut = Trump. Seems to be SAE, while Bolt is metric, resulting in many stripped threads.

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