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Meanwhile, on Planet Tucker

You won’t learn anything about Ukraine from watching Tucker Carlson, but as a jaw-dropping demonstration of a biased vacuousness, it can’t be beat.  

Tucker Carlson
Tucker Carlson
Screen shot

I don’t watch the pontifications of Tucker Carlson very often. I know it’s sorta my job and all, but, in my seventies, I’m trying to become less of a slave to duty.

But in my weekend wanderings around the web, I landed on a link to his rambling, fact-and-logic challenged summary of the potentially cataclysmic looming confrontation between Russia and the entire, reasonably-united democratic world about the seemingly imminent Russian invasion of Ukraine, which is the almost-universally-described biggest world crisis in a long time, which not only implicates the future of a small, struggling, relatively new democracy but also the decades-long-running confrontation between Russia and the West.

Tucker Carlson (I feel like using both his names through this little screed because there are so many excellent Carlsons in Minnesota) recently decided to devote THIRTEEN MINUTES of his pitiful excuse for a news analysis show spewing the most ludicrous analysis of where the Russia-Ukraine-Washington stood at the end of last week.

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For starters, Carlson mocks Biden for paying too much attention to Russia: “One thing he can’t stop talking about is Russia. Joe Biden can talk about Russia forever.”

“You may have asked yourself: ‘When will Joe Biden ever stop talking about Russia?’” Carlson asks. “Well, very soon actually, in fact, he seems to be losing his train of thought right now. But don’t worry. He’ll be back to it.”

A visual pops up on the screen shrieking “Russia! Russia! Russia!”

You can stop here if you want. You will learn nothing of any value about the very serious crisis over Ukraine, which got even more serious this week. But as a jaw-dropping demonstration of a biased, snotty, vacuous jerk running his mouth, it can’t be beaten. Here’s some more of Tucker’s opening: 

“…You may have asked yourself: When will Joe Biden ever stop talking about Russia? Well, very soon, actually. In fact, he seems to be losing his train of thought right now.”

Just wondering, did Tucker ever question Donald Trump’s ability to follow a train of thought?

Continuing, Tucker says: 

“But don’t worry, he’ll be back to it. Russia is a very comfortable topic for Joe Biden. He enjoys talking about it much more than talking about, say, inflation, or crime, or fentanyl deaths or about how half the population of Haiti appears to be showing up in Florida in leaky boats. 

“Those subjects may interest you since you live in this country, but not Joe Biden, despite appearances, Biden doesn’t actually live here. In his head, Joe Biden is floating high above the Sea of Azoff, swooping in over south-eastern Ukraine like a Botox superhero just to make sure everything’s OK with his little buddies, the Ukrainians. Joe Biden is a protector that way.”

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To think I sometimes used to worry about being too openly sarcastic about the former president, whom Tucker loved and supported. Tucker goes on: 

“But [Biden] is also, at the same time, a scholar and a teacher, not a credentialed educator like the doctor he’s married to. Joe Biden didn’t go to community college in Delaware for a doctorate in diversity studies.”


Back to Tucker: “Biden can still lecture with the best of them. If you signed up for his ‘Intro to Russia is Bad’ class this semester, you will not be disappointed. Professor Biden knows that material cold.

“So what have we learned so far? Well, first and foremost, Russia is bad. That’s the name of the course. It’s the entire syllabus, actually. It may be the only fact you will come away with after months of heavy coursework. Russia is bad. Learn that and you will ace the exam. 

“Russia, by contrast, just wants war. The Russians are warlike people. It’s inherent. Russians are driven by bloodlust. They have tiny brains. Their breath smells like herring. They’re always drunk, often on aftershave or household cleaning products. On Sunday mornings, when good people are still asleep at home with their families, your average Russian will still be lurking through the dark streets, leering through bloodshot eyes, trying to subvert somebody else’s democracy or conquer a peace-loving neighbor. That’s just who Russians are. It’s what they do.”

Obviously, I’m a bit obsessed with this rant. Maybe he’s this absurd every night. I’m not a regular consumer. But it seems to me it’s not a time to be criticizing Biden for focusing on Russia’s intentions toward Ukraine. 

Tucker went on:

“But if there’s one thing you absolutely must know about Russia, if you’re going to navigate this world, that thing is that on February 16th, 2022, Vladimir Putin is going to invade our closest ally in the world, Ukraine. So write that down February 16, 2022. Ukraine invasion begins. That’s the day. Joe Biden has been very clear about that. So the intel agencies and of course, their stenographers in the news media.”

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Is it possible, even for Tucker Carlson, that this whole tirade is justified because the U.S. intelligence community believed that a Russian attack on Ukraine could come “as soon as Feb. 16,” and here it is, after Feb. 16, and they still haven’t attacked? He went on to bash various media outlets who overhyped the guess that the attack would begin on the 16th, thus:

“So February 16, 2022 was definitely the day the music was going to die in Ukraine. Everybody knew that. But weirdly, nobody thought to tell the president of Ukraine, who, as an obedient puppet of the Biden State Department, you might think would have heard the news. But no, he hadn’t. He was baffled by it. 

“Now, keep in mind that in addition to being a puppet of the Biden administration, President Zelensky of Ukraine was also at one point a low-grade comic of some kind. So he was kidding.”

I’m leaving out some stuff, of course, like when Carlson aimed his fire at various news organizations who also reported that the attack was expected as soon as Feb. 16.

“What’s going on here? Well, the most obvious explanation is the most obvious one. Doddering old Joe Biden, who even before he was senile, was widely considered a moron in Washington, has been played by Vladimir Putin, who may be evil but definitely is not stupid. If Putin bluffed an invasion of Ukraine to make Biden look ridiculous, it worked.”

You can watch the whole 13-minute rant via this link. I hope Putin never invades, although by the time you read this the invasion may have begun. But even if he never does, which will be treated by most of the world as a very good thing, I guess it will be possible that on Planet Tucker it will be treated as proof that Biden, the senile idiot, was outsmarted by Putin. Or something.

And remember, that will be 13 minutes you can never get back.