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Scents preserve us: A winner! And a floral problem

The Verse or Worse electorate, no doubt charmed by the aroma suggested by his entry in the competition for entities unlikely to market perfume and the name of the perfume they wouldn’t market, has voted to honor Russell Swinburne Romine by awarding him a hopelessly scent-free MinnPost T-shirt.

Here is his winning entry:
“Eau Calcutta,” by Mother Teresa

And here is your next challenge:

Your genial host hopes that sufficient time has passed since Memorial Day to allow the possibility that a little humor in connection with that observance is not utterly out of the question.

He holds that hope because on the front page of the cellulose edition of the more westerly of our two daily newspapers one day last week there was an article about an appalling trend related to Memorial Day. It is your genial host’s view that — if issues of bad taste were ignored — the article had the potential for a much funnier headline.  

Here, with all that said, is what your genial host is talking about: 

It seems that cemetery managers across the area report that thieves are occasionally stealing the flowers and expensive potted plants that relatives and friends place at loved ones’ gravesides. In some cases, family members reported not only that the tributes were stolen, but also that they found the flowers installed at some other grave in the cemetery. (Although it might be a sign of redeemable qualities in a thief that he or she thinks it’s nice to put flowers by the grave of his or her dear departed, surely it would be a better sign if the thief didn’t steal the flowers.)

The headline on this article was “Today’s grave robbers go for the flowers.” The writer of that headline was surely constrained by a need to be somewhat respectful about the topic.

Your challenge, made possible because time has passed and because this isn’t the front page of the cellulose edition of the more westerly of our two daily newspapers, is to write a more amusing headline for this article, using 50 characters or less, not counting spaces. As always, the level of amusement afforded your genial host will be deeply involved in his selection of the best five entries.

And, as always, here’s a not-especially-memorable example:
Daisies stolen before they could be pushed up

Please email no more than three entries (but more than none) to asicherman [at] minnpost [dot] com by 5 p.m. on Thursday, June 5.
At 5:01, your genial host will enter MinnPost’s giant combination file room and mausoleum, and begin the tearful process of discarding all but the five best entries.

He will post those five on Monday, June 9. You will have until Thursday afternoon, June 12, to vote for your favorite, whose creator will win a pointedly un-shroudlike MinnPost T-shirt.

The name of the winner will be posted on Monday, June 16, along with a new challenge.

OK, time to put your mettle to the petal.

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